Free falling through grief🥺

It’s noisy up here. I can’t really focus. So many scenes playing out, I can’t really keep track of anything. At this point I think I understand the flashing scenes warning put at the beginning of movies- totally bad for you.

A part of me refuses to believe it but if it’s being circulated it has to be true. Why would anyone circulate something so hurtful and dreadful? I wish it wasn’t true. Part of me wishes that my message to you delivers and you text back with the witty nonsense you always send. But I texted yesterday afternoon. You should’ve responded by now.

I feel that feeling I had forgotten. I felt it when my dad died and now it feels all too familiar. It’s like falling with no landing in sight. The strong pull of gravity only into a dark hole, a bottomless pit.

I remember you literally forced me to be your best friend. All those “come sleep over” invitations during the conventions. I know I wanted to be your best friend. It was absurd, giving up a comfortable night’s sleep and morning to travel some 4 hours to and from the convention city just to be with you. Our journey, night and morning spent in laughter, whispers and continuous talk. We could talk about anything under the sun without judgement. I love you and I don’t ever remember telling you that. I guess somehow I felt you knew it because I knew you loved me.

Between talking rubbish about life you were everything I envisioned a best friend ought to be. Beyond all that you loved Jehovah which was more than enough for me to adore you. I know I may not have shown it but I looked up to you – I know even if you were here I’d never say that just in case it went to your head 😂🥺

It had been 12 days since we last spoke, I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you sooner than yesterday. I’ve been caught up with life I guess, I don’t even know what that is because I can’t say what I’ve been busy with. I’m trying to understand how this happened and I don’t get it. You were fine, laughing, making jokes and now you’re dead. How does that work? What happens to all our plans? You were coming in May and now? I guess our plans die with you.

It hurts beyond words, I feel like my heart is going to implode. I know you wouldn’t want this but I can’t help it, I’m sore. You were the only person I shared a nickname with- Tamiqque and Tamika 💞.

By the way we didn’t win much with your work writing assignments but to be honest I just loved writing them for you; winning was never the point. I enjoyed how we worked together to get the pieces out. I really was just writing them for you Ta; no matter how much I complained – I wanted to write them for you.

And I’m sorry I couldn’t find you that tall, dark and handsome guy you so wanted me to find. But I’m sure there’ll be a whole lot of them after resurrection. I can’t wait to see you then. I love you my best friend Tamar Tamiqque Precious Chitsambi.

Life took us in so many different directions but we always found our way back to each other. Like two people feeling for each other in the dark. You were always a true friend to me. I’m grateful for all the love, laughter and unsolicited advice(😂🤣) that you gave. I will truly miss you.

Met between ages 6-8, died at 34. 😢😭 Catch you later sweets 🥺

For old times sake: 🗣TAMAR